I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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