I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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