I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
