My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize