Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
