My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you never un-have a 4some
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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