fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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