so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
