Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
