those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
