i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
