jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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