Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
