I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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