Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
