i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
