After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
