You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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