I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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