My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
