everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
