I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
