I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
