i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
