Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
