she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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