The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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