i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize