The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
