she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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