Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
