Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
