she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
