I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize