Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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