Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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