I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
