Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I died a long time ago.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
