You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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