Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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