If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
