I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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