My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
