I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
