i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
