I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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