i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
