I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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