I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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