My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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