Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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