I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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