True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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