i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
