So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You ruined the universe
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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