i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And then my night got REAL pukey
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
